Penitence / One of My Greatest Faults

"And so whoever hates his faults and confesses them must still confess them in bitterness of spirit, so that this bitterness may punish him for what his tongue, at his mind's bidding, accuses him." - St. Gregory

I am judged religious at a time when there is little in religion which is not hypocrisy, when whoever does not offend the opinions of men receives the highest praise.
It is written: "Turn from evil and do good." Both are vain if not done for the love of God.
At every stage of my life up to now, as God knows, I have feared to offend you rather than God, and tried to please you more than him...I beg you, do not feel so sure of me that you cease to help me by your own prayers. Do not suppose me healthy and so withdraw the grace of your healing. Do not believe I want for nothing and delay helping me in my hour of need. Do not think me strong, lest I fall before you can sustain me. False praise has harmed many and taken from them the support they needed. The Lord cries out through Isaiah: "O my people! Those who call you happy lead you astray and confuse the path you should take."
Cease praising me, I beg you, lest you acquire the base stigma of being a flatterer or the charge of telling lies, or the breath of my vanity blows away any merit you saw in me to praise. No one with medical knowledge diagnoses an internal ailment by examining only outward appearance. What is common to the damned and the elect can win no favor in the eyes of God.
To me your praise is the more dangerous because I welcome it. The more anxious I am to please you in everything, the more I am won over and delighted by it. I beg you, be fearful for me always, instead of feeling confidence in me, so that I may always find help in your solicitude...I do not seek a crown of victory; it is sufficient for me to avoid danger, and this is safer than engaging in war. In whatever corner of heaven God shall place me, I shall be satisfied.
- Heloise, Letter to Abelard

I have never been able to express nor find mutual distress in this trial of mine, but now find beauty in a letter of penitence written by a Medieval woman. May I one day be able to express myself as she.

Insight

Matthew 13:23
But he that received seed into the good ground is he that heareth the word, and understandeth it; which also beareth fruit, and bringeth forth, some an hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.

In other words, in order to be good ground, you not only have to hear and understand, you have to act on it and 'bring forth fruit'. If someone gives a talk on Sunday, unless you apply it, it is pointless. Reading thoughts by great philosophers is certainly nice, but not worth it until you apply it. Try doing this, being a low-maintainence, high-yield member of the church.